my Email Journey

i have been involved with BDSM for quite some number of years in an on and off basis. i have been before a number of different Mistresses. Some of those experiences were OK, some were good, and then there was Mistress Adira. i was so taken and moved by my experience with Her that i wrote an email to Mistress which, in part said:

Goddess Adira,

Where do i begin Goddess? i feel full of all the old clichés and wish i could say them in a different way - but they have stood well to paint a picture which, no doubt, so many like myself have been urged to paint before.

my Goddess, Your warm and friendly welcome quickly set me at ease from the outward feeling of trepidation of which i was going through. Yes, i have been in that situation before but i have never been set at ease so quickly, if at all. This, i know so well, it started early, it happened during our early discussion. And my level of ease was first displayed when i spoke of a trance like feeling, of being in a different persona, in my attempt to explain how i have felt when my soul has been touched. When i'm in the 'zone'. That feeling does not always happen, i have to be at ease and be able to defuse my 'male' defence mechanisms. When that happens, when i get into that totally submissive state of mind, the feeling is so euphoric. That happened yesterday like no other time before. Since then, i have thought many times about how deeply i relaxed so quickly, and about the total euphoria of Your words, Your touch and my reactions to You. The fact, that i felt and continue to feel a NEED (or is the word WANT) to so completely submit to You.

Following my one and only meeting with Mistress i returned to the Central Coast and have been pining for further contact ever since. i have been onto Mistress’ website many, many times since. i was so moved by the writings of Mistress’ slaves and the level of their devotion. And then the ‘collaring’.

But then the sceptical side of my male persona kicked in and i started thinking: "Oh yeah, in this day and age who would go that far? Really!" But time really does heal all things even cynicism and scepticism. Often i would stop what i was doing and start dwelling on those writings for so long i would end up feeling like i had gone into a hypnotic trance. i would think about what i had said about wanting to go further towards total submission. After so much pondering i now feel that i have some understanding of what's in their heads, hence my decision to allow Mistress to make changes to the way i live my life. i want so much to be one of Your devoted slaves.

It's easy to visit Mistress Adira and be put through your paces - bound, gagged, mummified or experience electric torture and be made to comply with what Mistress demands of you in your role as Her slave for the moment. She has control for that short time or maybe even longer. And if you decide to go down the path of truly becoming Her slave on a more permanent basis, Her control of you, over you, will become even more powerful.

In Her dungeon you are under Her direct control - the ropes, the wrapping and any punishment She may wish to inflict upon you. The only choice you had was whether you would attend a session or not.

But then to compare the control Mistress gains during personal contact (and that is extremely fulfilling and the excitement developed during personal contact can never be underestimated), i feel just does not compare to the control Mistress achieves through email training. For to submit to and comply with Her directions to the letter of Mistress’ word, with abstinence, the task at hand and/or the prescribed punishment, within your own surroundings, without Mistress being present to judge your compliance or otherwise, i believe indicates a far higher level of control over you or a higher level of your commitment to your training leading to a truer acceptance of your role. Let me raise three questions:

1. Do you do it because it is just a game?
2. Do you do it because you want to submit to your Mistress' control of you?
3. Do you do it because Mistress is gaining/has gained control of you?

For me it’s 2 and 3.

In all that i read, nowhere is there anything written about what to expect when you start your journey. The feelings you experience, the expectations that you develop, then the reality of what really happens. i will now try to explain.

Perhaps what has happened and continues to happen will only happen to me, anyway here it is. As i have stated above, i had been pining for about four months. i couldn’t get Mistress out of my head so i kept going over and over Her website. i knew that Mistress was conducting email training, but from the outset, i thought what good would that really be? If you can’t experience the face to face real thing, why would you try email? Great for sending messages - but i didn’t think much else.

My desires were not being met so i finally succumbed to the email idea and so contacted Mistress Adira. What was to follow has blown my mind. i complied with Mistress’ demands and waited for my ‘first’ set of tasks. i was so eager to get started now that i had made the move. A couple of days went by then the email arrived. Rightly or wrongly i get some sort of feeling that after i had spoken to Mistress in eager terms, that She deliberately delayed sending me the email for as long as She did – taking complete control from the get go. If that was the ploy it certainly had me dangling.

i will not go into the details of my specific training tasks. However, what i wish to say is this: i am and continue to be so overwhelmed by my journey. If i had only known how much effect the decision and the first step was going to have over me. Do not ever assume that email training will not have an effect over you. You will find that you will be required to have a far greater level of commitment. And further, when you do, you will succumb. The desire and need to be absolutely obedient will start to well up within your soul and become the essence of your compulsion.

i aired my commitment to submit to Mistress Adira before i started and am finding that each day's tasks are making me realise how much more committed i want to be. The obsession that wells up inside one’s head is quite overpowering.

i have started my journey of change. The first week has been exhilarating. i am meeting my challenges head-on and embracing the changes that are planned and are occurring to me. i, even at this early stage, profess that my ultimate goal is to be worthy of my Mistress’ commitment to my training and that one day, maybe, i will be considered for ‘collaring’.

slave murray